Ok. I admit it.
When Monday night rolls round, Kimmi and I huddle up to watch the Bachelor.
We often get a text conversation going with her mom, and this year we each picked our top candidates and placed a fancy dinner bet on the outcome (I won).
I’m writing you from Austin, TX as I wait for Kimmi and her mom to arrive for vacation (more to come on that!)
Here’s a photo of them at the airport on their way to me:
So, while admitting that we religiously watch the Bachelor/ Bachelorette is not my finest moment, this weekend I found myself passionately debating about the way this season unfolded, and siding with that villainous Bachelor. I’ll tell you why.
If you did not watch the show, first, you saved yourself many hours of time, congrats! Arie was the Bachelor, choosing from a large number of beautiful and fit women, and he narrowed the selection to two, Becca and Lauren. During their whirlwind courtship he told both girls he loved them. A lot. He then selected and proposed to Becca in the end and sent Lauren home, only to change his mind and break up with Becca a month later saying he made a mistake, and going after Lauren again.
I was in flight when they aired the final episode so I missed it. (Can you believe I was googling to find a blog that recapped the episode??) Apparently Arie went on to then propose to Lauren on national television and she said yes.
So, first, my disclaimer. I watched the episode when they aired “the break up” unedited on live television. I too thought it was exceptionally long and didn’t love watching the 20 painful and awkward minutes, I get it that there was a lot to criticize here.
After a million seasons of the Bachelor I am sure they loved that this one was different and made a choice to capitalize on that in the best way they could think of. But, hey, these people signed up for this experience.
But here’s my point of view on the broader issue.
So Arie fell in love with two women. He wasn’t sure what to do.
His parents thought that Becca was the more practical choice. She was more independent and confident and ready for a family.
But his heart was with Lauren (who hardly talked so this was hard to understand, but he loved her).
In the heat of the moment of having to make a decision about who to marry after a whirlwind courtship, on a defined timeline in a foreign country with a giant free engagement ring if he decides right now, he got confused and made the ‘practical’ choice rather than following his heart.
And then he had to clean up his mess.
He chose to clean it up, rather than move forward with a wedding and subsequent divorce, or to lay low until the show blows over and break it off.
He made the unpopular choice and went for what he wants.
Now the reason I am passionate about NOT JUDGING what he did is this:
- Who HASN’T thought they loved someone only to realize they didn’t?
- Who HASN’T been swayed in their decision-making by the little voice of their parents in their mind?
- Who HASN’T been faced with a decision to stay the course when your heart is elsewhere? Anyone who followed their heart in the end will tell you it was worth the temporary discomfort of having to make the unpopular choice. Anyone who stayed the course is likely dying inside with suppression.
My mission through retreats and my work with transformational leaders is to normalize transformation on the planet. This starts with letting go of our judgment of another person who makes a ‘bad’ decision or changes their mind. EVERY transformation I’ve navigated at some level started with becoming aware of a decision I’d made previously that was out of alignment with my personal Truth.
We have to see it, own it, VALIDATE IT, and allow space for our new possibility to emerge. This is how we transform. This is how we grow. It’s not generally unfolding in a neat little box of perfect decisions. To those outside of the transformation it can look messy. Which is why we hide it.
I remember when I made the decision to leave my first marriage. My shame was off the hook. I was so concerned people would see me as this sad little failure at life. And I am certain some of them did.
But they weren’t there inside of the beauty of the massive growth I experienced through that time of perceived hardship. It was hard, yes. It was dark, yes. But it was the biggest gift with the greatest reward – who I became and continue becoming.
I dove for light big time.
This is the work we’ll be doing in my upcoming Aligned Retreat Tulum.
We’ll be digging into what TRUTH is coming into your awareness now, some past decision you made that no longer resonates, and is ready to be transmuted from the shadow to the light.
If you are aligned with my mission to normalize transformation, it starts within. Lets do the “work” (or play!) together here: https://retreatandgrowrich.com/aligned-retreat/
But WHAT ABOUT BECCA?
This might be the next logical question. I get it.
What about Becca?
Sure, it had to be extremely vulnerable to be dumped on TV in that way. For sure. But guess what, the Universe was also conspiring for HER growth.
Why does the media insist on painting the picture of her as the sad victim here.
I’m sure she was sad (it seemed likely a genuinely surprising experience to her).
But let’s face it, at some level deep down in her heart, she also knew.
Just like one person in a relationship can’t cheat without the other person having cheated in some way (emotionally withholding for example), if one person is faking it and doing the thing they think they *should* do, the other one is too. At some level. Maybe buried (our subconscious is masterful at keeping these things hidden), but it’s there.
In my short-lived first marriage the FACTS would have been crystal clear, just like Becca. I was victimized by a lying, cheating, addict who pretended to get me to marry him. At one level of awareness this would be true.
And then there is a level deeper. When I could get quiet and allow my personal Truth to bubble up. I chose that experience. I was a co-creator of this exact experience which got my attention big time and caused me to grow.
I take 100% OWNERSHIP of this. With total gratitude.
But I would have never done that without my coaching toolbox.
But with what I know about how we are designed as humans and our pathway back to wholeness, I could be with that darkness and find the light. And it was that which led me to my perfect career and a knowing that the Universe always has my back.
What about you? What have you had to OWN that maybe our society would tell you should bring you shame, but you were able to take that darkness and transform it, allowing your light to shine?
To me Arie, Becca, and Lauren were simply having a human experience. On national TV.
What if we could be the ambassadors embracing the shadows of the human experience to make the pathway to light more accessible? Maybe even joyful?
If that is who you are, and you’re ready to own your next transformation, I’ll see you in Mexico!
Every transformation has led to more clarity, which brings joy, fulfillment, and generally money right along with it.
Hit me up with your application. Let’s do the damn thing!