Leaving People Behind

She had just closed a high level sale with a perfect client. She was so clear how she could serve and that the client ‘got it’ too. It was awesome! Then this happened.

She added in another resource to her program on the fly.

She explained again what would happen first and what to expect.

She checked in one more time that the client was excited.

When she eventually hung up she felt a bit dirty and depleted, and even began wondering if the client was OK.

Have you ever been there? Be honest. Because as my client described her scenario, I knew that exact feeling. I’d been there. It’s a stage of growth in your business of being exceptionally clear about the value of what you offer, and sharing the value in the right place, trusting that the right people will see it and step forward. WITHOUT adding extra things that complicate your offer, and without having to carry them forward emotionally. Because they are ready to meet you.

This reminds of me of our #2 Captivation Factor.

Captivation Factor #2: Give Your Substance Where It Can Do Most Good

In my last post we talked about knowing what you’re about and owning it. This is really about understanding your “substance” – that go-deep transformation that you’re committed to creating in the world.

What does it mean to give your substance where it can do most good? It means you want to share your brilliance with people who ‘get it’ and recognize how who you are can serve them. Who you are includes:

1.      Your energy and way of being

2.      Your knowledge and information

3.      Your ability to create structure to your programs and offerings.

The fourth pillar that’s needed to create a magical outcome is THEM. Their energy and commitment is critical in order for your partnership to work. They absolutely MUST have a stake in the ground to move forward.

I remember reading this in the book Working with the Law, that Jesus didn’t give so much as a second thought to anyone who was not seeking to improve. He wasn’t running around trying to convince people to grow. He found the people who wanted to grow and heal.

You must give your substance where it can do most good in order to Captivate.

The story above was shared by my client on a group call. I shared my new teaching on the Anatomy of a Transformation™ and she could see herself in it.

She was able to see how the weird overgiving at the end of her call was nothing more than a remnant of her past pattern of being the caretaker and cheerleader in her family. She also saw how that role in her family often had her giving her substance away to those who were not seeking to grow. But it kept her feeling safe to play that role in the household rather than allowing the chips to fall where they may.

Fast forward. She was ‘succeeding’ in her business and bringing in clients with her old pattern, but now she is ready to grow. She’d been really over-delivering on what she offered for long enough that she was starting to experience the pain of that. She sensed by the discomfort she felt on that sales call (Discomfort is the first step in the Anatomy of a Transformation™) that it was nudging her to a new way of being around this pattern. Since she was ready we created a new way of being that would make the difference!

She would let them know, by the way she asked questions in the sales conversation, what her substance was all about. Then release all attachments to them getting it or coming along. She would be willing to leave them behind. She would be ‘untethered’ to them to where they were free to come along or not, without assuming they would require extra nudging or cheerleading to ‘get it.’ She would no longer buy into a story that they were not empowered enough to show up fully and commit their energy of their own free choice.

She would give her substance where it can do most good!

Others on the call saw their own reflection in this lesson. One shared about how when she’d stopped giving her friends free coaching, they stopped calling! Another shared how over giving in her healing work had created a sense of entitlement. She’s even learned in 40+ years of healing that where her work was matched by an equal investment of energy on the client’s part, the healing didn’t “stick.”

I myself have absolutely learned this lesson many times through painful or ‘icky’ experiences. If you ever hang up the phone and feel just a bit dirty (at least that’s how it shows up for me) it means you likely gave your substance where it wasn’t truly wanted.

What people say they want is not always what they want.

As a transformational leader, your job is to use all of your skillset to determine the readiness for transformation. Just because someone says they want a change does not mean they are really willing to do what it takes to create the change. You’ve got to learn how to interpret what they are actually saying, and understand whether they are committed (step four in the Anatomy of a Transformation!). When you are clear they are committed, financially, emotionally, and energetically, then it’s time to share your substance.

Please note this isn’t about holding back out of fear or scarcity, it’s about knowing when to ‘go deep,’ and when you’ll be wasting your substance. In business the first key indicator of someone being ready is them paying you. In life you can look at other measures, but the rule still applies.

Overgiving is needy, and needy doesn’t Captivate.

It’s subtle the way we can tend to overgive. An extra nudge of support here, a free bonus there, being loose on our agreements, etc. In example above it happened somewhat in words, but it was an energy of “am I enough?” that was communicate without words.

While this can FEEL REALLY GOOD at the time, and the client may even love it and affirm it, it is still not captivating! It doesn’t draw people to you. In fact it gives them the impression that you will always be there to cheer for them, that you are in abundance and therefore not valuable.

If you’re honest with yourself about support in your own life – yes you want to feel and experience being supported (unless you haven’t healed that wound, but that’s another story…). But you also want to invest with someone who’s got more going on than being in your world. That’s why you hired them!

This also applies when leading retreats. If you get into a space of answering every question in the room even when you need to go on break, and you’re trying to take everyone with you, you can lose the people who are your very best people. Not everyone will get everything, and if they do you’re going to slow for your stars.

Leaving People Behind

Which brings me to leaving people behind. If you are approaching your business with a foundation of personal growth (recommended), you are going to grow and evolve and become more and more valuable (and more and more captivating). As this happens, you’ll resonate at a higher vibration, and you’ll begin to see things differently. As you see things differently, you will go out of resonance with clients you used to love. Yes, they are growing too – that’s why they hired you. And at times you’ll grow faster. And you’ll need to make a conscious choice to let some clients go. To stop targeting them with your marketing. To not renew their agreement.

And this process can really mess with your head! Because you know you love Sue. Sue is amazing. Yet maybe Sue doesn’t really want to grow as fast as you, and as much as you she’s capable and as much as you love her, you need to let her go.

(And I know you know this applies in your life as well!)

And this whole process is especially challenging for anyone who has ever felt abandoned. Heal that wound and you’ll become more Captivating – in your business and in front of the room!

What’s been YOUR experience with giving your substance where it can do most good? I’d love to hear!